Thoughtful Thursday 1: Marathons & Marriage in My Mind

There are dates in life, that are imprinted in our minds forever.

When life is very busy though, you catch yourself surprised, that you completely forget the significance of the day.

Today, I almost did.

21 years ago, I got married in Germany.  21 years later,  no anniversary would be celebrated.   After 13 years, the marriage ultimately reached it's end.


My life began yet again, this time in the Netherlands, a couple of weeks before Spring 2009.  A couple of weeks before my 37th birthday.  A couple of years before I began running (Summer of 2011).

I never thought I will share all that, here.

There might have been vague references, here and there.  Specially in my other blog (My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands) but I never articulated it as I did, this time.

A lot of things have changed since I started running.  Changes took slowly on at first, and as my pace accelerated - as I ran more - so did the pace of changes in my life.

Why am I sharing all these, now?

Well, I think I can't go on further with blogging about running, if I am not going to be honest about this status in my life.  I also think, the more I write here about  issues I face and still need to face, the more it will help me run better.

Running helps me get stronger, healthier and most importantly keeps me sharply focused on what matters most in life.  Running gives me the balance & structure, I need.  These are just some of the few reasons why, I will make sure I can keep doing it.

I will not go into personal details of my issues but I feel it is sufficient enough to share what I find others can identify with but seldom can openly write or talk about.


The breakdown of my marriage is not the main reason I begun running.  Dealing with the aftermath was a catalyst.

Broken marriage, it's end, is like mourning the death of a love one.

Training for my first marathon helped me mourn.

It was for this reason, that I chose to run Berlin & Amsterdam Marathon back to back.  Both cities symbolized my connection to Europe.  Why I am here.

The road to both marathons led me back to who I am before I married, before I fulfilled my dream of living a life in Europe.

All my races were a step to embracing, who I really am.

Sometimes on the way to fulfilling dreams, you lose yourself.

It takes a completely whole set of new dreams - dreams you never even imagine you can fulfill to bring you back to yourself.

Smash(ing) September

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

- Gloria Steinem

Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.

 - Malcolm X

Anger is a brief madness.
- Horace, Epistles (Book 1)

Keep Calm series
Hulk Doesn't Keep Calm Hulk Smash
September
source: The Keep Calm-O-Matic

I'm sharing (my personal meditative!) cathartic quotes and the poster of the Hulk because all together, they made me laugh a liberating laugh (finally!), and I hope my fellow runners, who are currently rehabilitating from injuries will get a laugh out of them, too.

This image is also something I want to look at when I start obsessing again about my current situation.  A situation, that I can't change. 

I have been acting absurdly towards my first serious running injury.

Exaggerated, my family would definitely say, my erratic behaviour in the last weeks mirrored that of  Dr Bruce Banner and his alter-ego The Incredible Hulk, upon learning that I should not run/race, until I have lost the pain on my foot.

In my defense, this is the first time, since I begun running two years ago, that I have been injured. 

Now, with a clearer mind (after a lot of crying! haha), I realise, I have been very lucky, that it's (Morton's Neuroma) been detected at a very early stage.

Sunny smile after stormy tears.

It's been a difficult weekend. It's been an inspiring weekend. As I said, "Goodbye to August, and welcome September!", I also said, "Goodbye Berlin Marathon, and welcome a whole month worth of other adventures."

I've been inspired and motivated not only by my family, and friends but a lot of beautiful souls out there.

Meditation to quite the mind, being in motion, being active in many other different ways even without running, are just some of those things I am reminded, that I could still do.

Melancholy is incompatible with bicycling. ~James E. Starrs

“The water doesn't know how old you are.”
― Dara Torres, Age Is Just a Number: Achieve Your Dreams at Any Stage in Your Life

There are several unpublished blogs  expressing all the contradictory feelings I have had over not being able to run, not being able to fulfill the running goals I set out to do this year.

Not to mention those unpublished blogs of the crazy running months (5 half-marathons, 1 of which was a DNF, my first DNF; 1 full marathon, a 15K, a 10K, a 7K all ran between January-June 2013) , which all followed after we lost our home due to a fire that broke out above our flat.

January 2013
Egmond Half-Marathon medal

January 2013

February 2013 my first DNF race

March 2013

April 2013

May 2013

May 2013

June 2013

June 2013

Running for me is not a mere hobby.  Everything encompassing running helps me cope with my manic-depression, and live a life of quality with my family.  Yes, you could almost say, it's how I medicate myself.  It's my healthy addiction.

Since running, my head is less busy. It still is very busy! But I experience more and more pockets of serenity, sometimes catching me silently aware, that I smile and have tears in my eyes all at the same time.

Since running, my anger has lessened. I still have a lot of issues! But I experience more and more the lightness in my being, I never imagined - o nly hoped, fervently wished - I will attain.

Since running, my  perspective has widened.  I still fall into the same pattern of thinking!  But I experience more and more how I can easily welcome a new positive thought in place of the negative paralyzing ones.

Running, in short, has given birth to the person, I like.  Running has made me like myself (again).

A collage celebrating new beginnings: March 2009
My 37th birthday (20th of March, 2009), and the day we moved to Holland (9th of March).

Mijn liefste P.
My beloved by my side in the middle of running Paris Marathon, 2013.

Yes, I have to face the facts, that I will miss fulfilling running goals set this year, but I have already "won" so much more than running goals achieved in 24 months of running, and will be achieved (#positivethinking!) in the future. 

Yes, indeed, I have so many years ahead, years to have fun setting and fulfilling goals and dreams. :)

Well,since the pity party is over, let's all welcome what I know will be a smashing September! :)

Tuesday: Decision Time!

Well, at least the half of it!

I've come to a decision - a very hard one for me - that I have to give up on the #TRIOfor2013   project - running 3 full marathons within a year - as I had envisioned it (Paris-Luxembourg-Berlin).

This Sunday, instead of running the full marathon in Luxembourg, I'll be running the half because like in Paris, I was not able to prepare like I planned.  Now, I am facing the truth, I have to admit, that I am suffering from PTSD (you could read about the background: here); it is something I have to deal with counselling, and the simple admission is a relief.

I can go on and plan two alternative marathons, which I can prepare better for after I have seen the doctor to help me sleep better, and get my anxiety and panic attacks in check. 

Paris 2013- memorable first Spring marathon experience because of a beautiful course, and the fact that I almost gave up!
We went to Paris knowing, that I was not prepared to run the full, and I only wanted to at least run the half.
But half-way, I could not stop myself from finishing the full course.
It was sheer determination that made me finish the race with the knowledge, that I would not be on the official list, and not get a medal (and oh how I love getting medal).

I met many awesome runners along the way, who reminded me in the first place why I run:
to overcome hurdles I put in front of myself.
In the end I was not on the official list of finishers (minutes before I crossed the finish line, they took the mat to register my finishing time) but was graciously rewarded with the medal for finishing!

Berlin & Amsterdam aka My Back 2 Back Marathons 2012! I love these medals because they symbolize for me that you can realize dreams if you: believe and work hard to achieve it.

Yes dear family, friends, fellow running enthusiast, and loyal followers, and those I have yet to meet - I am not that stubborn, reckless and crazy as I seem to come over with my projects and how I execute them.

If you've read my Blogathon 2013 posts Day 1 - Introducing: This Runner, Day 2 - Drie Dorpenloop 2013: Running Home, Day 3 - This Runner: 22 Months Later, perhaps you will have a picture of who I am as a runner, why I run, and the what  motivates me to run, and my passion for marathons.

After the Luxembourg marathon weekend, I will reveal my two alternative marathons. I chose to do 2 - one to replace Luxembourg and the other Paris - to give me an official closure for the project; even though I finished Paris I am not on the offical list of finisher, and it nags on me. To silence the nagging, I'll try to replace it with a lot of running! :D

Introducing: This Runner

prepping my running clothes today for tomorrow : De Driedorpenloop 2013

“People sometimes sneer at those who run every day, claiming they'll go to any length to live longer. But don't think that's the reason most people run. Most runners run not because they want to live longer, but because they want to live life to the fullest. If you're going to while away the years, it's far better to live them with clear goals and fully alive then in a fog, and I believe running helps you to do that. Exerting yourself to the fullest within your individual limits: that's the essence of running, and a metaphor for life — and for me, for writing as whole. I believe many runners would agree”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

One could think because I've ran 3 marathons, that I would no longer have apprehensions, doubts and fears about running.

Berlin and  Amsterdam Marathon medals

Berlin Marathon, September 2012

Amsterdam Marathon, October, 2012

Paris Marathon, April 2013

One could think because I had an education in communication, and once worked for a living, writing, that I would no longer lack words, or confidence to express how I feel.

My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands - my first public blog created in January, 2011 after blogging anonymously for 6 years - a creative corner, where I consistenly face the challenge of not suffering  once again from writer's block

One could think because of the pictures, stories, positive thoughts and point of views I share of my  life,  that I have it all, and have a "perfect and sheltered existence".

My first 5K - Mom in Balance Pink Ribbon Run - would not have been possible without the generous support of Mijn Liefste P

Our girls inspire and motivate me to be strong and stay strong.

I feel very lucky to live and run in Holland. (Kinderdijk June, 2012)

Self-empowering words! Inspiring not only for running.

Sole sisters I met online via the Amsterdam Running Junkies  group

You realise dreams - experience a marathon run (first relay marathon during the Hamburg Marathon) -  by sharing it with others!

One could think.  At least I did. 

Once upon a time, I fervently believed at one point when I have achieved all of the above: run marathons, acquire education in communication, have the family and the life I dreamed of, that my existence would be devoid of emotional pain born out  of paralyzing  doubts and fears.

Life as everyone sooner or later discover is not a race for a  perfect life or a perfect existence but a long walk home to self-acceptance. 

It took a while to realise that I truly can't cure my manic-depression by fulfilling all my goals and dreams.

Instead, in the pursuit of my goals and dreams,  I make sure I do not let this mental illness defeat me.

I run to maintain my sanity; I run to gain strength; I run to stay inspired to live life to the fullest; I run to love passionately and laugh freely.

Why do you run?