Thoughtful Thursday 1: Marathons & Marriage in My Mind

There are dates in life, that are imprinted in our minds forever.

When life is very busy though, you catch yourself surprised, that you completely forget the significance of the day.

Today, I almost did.

21 years ago, I got married in Germany.  21 years later,  no anniversary would be celebrated.   After 13 years, the marriage ultimately reached it's end.


My life began yet again, this time in the Netherlands, a couple of weeks before Spring 2009.  A couple of weeks before my 37th birthday.  A couple of years before I began running (Summer of 2011).

I never thought I will share all that, here.

There might have been vague references, here and there.  Specially in my other blog (My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands) but I never articulated it as I did, this time.

A lot of things have changed since I started running.  Changes took slowly on at first, and as my pace accelerated - as I ran more - so did the pace of changes in my life.

Why am I sharing all these, now?

Well, I think I can't go on further with blogging about running, if I am not going to be honest about this status in my life.  I also think, the more I write here about  issues I face and still need to face, the more it will help me run better.

Running helps me get stronger, healthier and most importantly keeps me sharply focused on what matters most in life.  Running gives me the balance & structure, I need.  These are just some of the few reasons why, I will make sure I can keep doing it.

I will not go into personal details of my issues but I feel it is sufficient enough to share what I find others can identify with but seldom can openly write or talk about.


The breakdown of my marriage is not the main reason I begun running.  Dealing with the aftermath was a catalyst.

Broken marriage, it's end, is like mourning the death of a love one.

Training for my first marathon helped me mourn.

It was for this reason, that I chose to run Berlin & Amsterdam Marathon back to back.  Both cities symbolized my connection to Europe.  Why I am here.

The road to both marathons led me back to who I am before I married, before I fulfilled my dream of living a life in Europe.

All my races were a step to embracing, who I really am.

Sometimes on the way to fulfilling dreams, you lose yourself.

It takes a completely whole set of new dreams - dreams you never even imagine you can fulfill to bring you back to yourself.

Tuesday: Decision Time!

Well, at least the half of it!

I've come to a decision - a very hard one for me - that I have to give up on the #TRIOfor2013   project - running 3 full marathons within a year - as I had envisioned it (Paris-Luxembourg-Berlin).

This Sunday, instead of running the full marathon in Luxembourg, I'll be running the half because like in Paris, I was not able to prepare like I planned.  Now, I am facing the truth, I have to admit, that I am suffering from PTSD (you could read about the background: here); it is something I have to deal with counselling, and the simple admission is a relief.

I can go on and plan two alternative marathons, which I can prepare better for after I have seen the doctor to help me sleep better, and get my anxiety and panic attacks in check. 

Paris 2013- memorable first Spring marathon experience because of a beautiful course, and the fact that I almost gave up!
We went to Paris knowing, that I was not prepared to run the full, and I only wanted to at least run the half.
But half-way, I could not stop myself from finishing the full course.
It was sheer determination that made me finish the race with the knowledge, that I would not be on the official list, and not get a medal (and oh how I love getting medal).

I met many awesome runners along the way, who reminded me in the first place why I run:
to overcome hurdles I put in front of myself.
In the end I was not on the official list of finishers (minutes before I crossed the finish line, they took the mat to register my finishing time) but was graciously rewarded with the medal for finishing!

Berlin & Amsterdam aka My Back 2 Back Marathons 2012! I love these medals because they symbolize for me that you can realize dreams if you: believe and work hard to achieve it.

Yes dear family, friends, fellow running enthusiast, and loyal followers, and those I have yet to meet - I am not that stubborn, reckless and crazy as I seem to come over with my projects and how I execute them.

If you've read my Blogathon 2013 posts Day 1 - Introducing: This Runner, Day 2 - Drie Dorpenloop 2013: Running Home, Day 3 - This Runner: 22 Months Later, perhaps you will have a picture of who I am as a runner, why I run, and the what  motivates me to run, and my passion for marathons.

After the Luxembourg marathon weekend, I will reveal my two alternative marathons. I chose to do 2 - one to replace Luxembourg and the other Paris - to give me an official closure for the project; even though I finished Paris I am not on the offical list of finisher, and it nags on me. To silence the nagging, I'll try to replace it with a lot of running! :D

Introducing: This Runner

prepping my running clothes today for tomorrow : De Driedorpenloop 2013

“People sometimes sneer at those who run every day, claiming they'll go to any length to live longer. But don't think that's the reason most people run. Most runners run not because they want to live longer, but because they want to live life to the fullest. If you're going to while away the years, it's far better to live them with clear goals and fully alive then in a fog, and I believe running helps you to do that. Exerting yourself to the fullest within your individual limits: that's the essence of running, and a metaphor for life — and for me, for writing as whole. I believe many runners would agree”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

One could think because I've ran 3 marathons, that I would no longer have apprehensions, doubts and fears about running.

Berlin and  Amsterdam Marathon medals

Berlin Marathon, September 2012

Amsterdam Marathon, October, 2012

Paris Marathon, April 2013

One could think because I had an education in communication, and once worked for a living, writing, that I would no longer lack words, or confidence to express how I feel.

My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands - my first public blog created in January, 2011 after blogging anonymously for 6 years - a creative corner, where I consistenly face the challenge of not suffering  once again from writer's block

One could think because of the pictures, stories, positive thoughts and point of views I share of my  life,  that I have it all, and have a "perfect and sheltered existence".

My first 5K - Mom in Balance Pink Ribbon Run - would not have been possible without the generous support of Mijn Liefste P

Our girls inspire and motivate me to be strong and stay strong.

I feel very lucky to live and run in Holland. (Kinderdijk June, 2012)

Self-empowering words! Inspiring not only for running.

Sole sisters I met online via the Amsterdam Running Junkies  group

You realise dreams - experience a marathon run (first relay marathon during the Hamburg Marathon) -  by sharing it with others!

One could think.  At least I did. 

Once upon a time, I fervently believed at one point when I have achieved all of the above: run marathons, acquire education in communication, have the family and the life I dreamed of, that my existence would be devoid of emotional pain born out  of paralyzing  doubts and fears.

Life as everyone sooner or later discover is not a race for a  perfect life or a perfect existence but a long walk home to self-acceptance. 

It took a while to realise that I truly can't cure my manic-depression by fulfilling all my goals and dreams.

Instead, in the pursuit of my goals and dreams,  I make sure I do not let this mental illness defeat me.

I run to maintain my sanity; I run to gain strength; I run to stay inspired to live life to the fullest; I run to love passionately and laugh freely.

Why do you run?

TRIO for 2013: Halfway Through January

My TRIO for 2013 (running 3 marathons in the span of a year): Paris (Spring), Luxembourg & Berlin (Summer)

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” 

― C.S. Lewis

2013 is two weeks old, but still I can't help cheering: Happy New Running Year!

It took this long to write this blog because of a tragic experience the family and I dealt with in the night of 30th to 31st of December.  

I would love to go on as soon as possible with documenting the new running year here @Happy Feet in the Netherlands, and so if you are interested in knowing more of what happened in the last day of 2012, please check my other blog @ My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands, where I shared most of my thoughts, raw impressions the first few days after the incident happened.

Now back to January - onward, forward! After hearing good news, I was able to concentrate again in the first run of 2013, which was Egmond Half-Marathon.

Details of this race in the next days.

For now, I'll be sharing the first bling and  finish line photo of 2013!

Love the 3-D quality of Egmond Half-Marathon medal.

Almost at the finish line of my first Egmond Half-Marathon! First time with my +Loopmaatjes shirt in a race!

Egmond Half-Marathon 2013 was a challenging run. Specially since I did not train as I planned I would (details in the recap blog), and I had to work on a terrible experience physically and mentally, a few weeks before running my first ever official half-marathon (I jumped from 15K - begun with 5K, progressed into 4EM, 10K - to running two marathons, which is why my first two half-marathons, are in fact parts of the full).  

Looking at the medal(s) I "earned" and the finish-line photos - preserving my joy in running! - gives me satisfactory and reassuring feelings.

These simple tokens are reminders, which shows clearly:  focus, determination and passion (PLUS loads of support from family, friends and many running buddies online & RL!!!) does pay in the end.

2012: Finisher of Berlin & Amsterdam marathons (3 weeks apart)

Berlin Marathon 2012 photo - wearing my We Run AMS T-shirt from Nike+ Run Club Amsterdam

Amsterdam Marathon 2012 photo - proudly wearing my Running Junkies shirt