Tuesday: Decision Time!

Well, at least the half of it!

I've come to a decision - a very hard one for me - that I have to give up on the #TRIOfor2013   project - running 3 full marathons within a year - as I had envisioned it (Paris-Luxembourg-Berlin).

This Sunday, instead of running the full marathon in Luxembourg, I'll be running the half because like in Paris, I was not able to prepare like I planned.  Now, I am facing the truth, I have to admit, that I am suffering from PTSD (you could read about the background: here); it is something I have to deal with counselling, and the simple admission is a relief.

I can go on and plan two alternative marathons, which I can prepare better for after I have seen the doctor to help me sleep better, and get my anxiety and panic attacks in check. 

Paris 2013- memorable first Spring marathon experience because of a beautiful course, and the fact that I almost gave up!
We went to Paris knowing, that I was not prepared to run the full, and I only wanted to at least run the half.
But half-way, I could not stop myself from finishing the full course.
It was sheer determination that made me finish the race with the knowledge, that I would not be on the official list, and not get a medal (and oh how I love getting medal).

I met many awesome runners along the way, who reminded me in the first place why I run:
to overcome hurdles I put in front of myself.
In the end I was not on the official list of finishers (minutes before I crossed the finish line, they took the mat to register my finishing time) but was graciously rewarded with the medal for finishing!

Berlin & Amsterdam aka My Back 2 Back Marathons 2012! I love these medals because they symbolize for me that you can realize dreams if you: believe and work hard to achieve it.

Yes dear family, friends, fellow running enthusiast, and loyal followers, and those I have yet to meet - I am not that stubborn, reckless and crazy as I seem to come over with my projects and how I execute them.

If you've read my Blogathon 2013 posts Day 1 - Introducing: This Runner, Day 2 - Drie Dorpenloop 2013: Running Home, Day 3 - This Runner: 22 Months Later, perhaps you will have a picture of who I am as a runner, why I run, and the what  motivates me to run, and my passion for marathons.

After the Luxembourg marathon weekend, I will reveal my two alternative marathons. I chose to do 2 - one to replace Luxembourg and the other Paris - to give me an official closure for the project; even though I finished Paris I am not on the offical list of finisher, and it nags on me. To silence the nagging, I'll try to replace it with a lot of running! :D

This Runner: 22 Months Later

Between this two race results are stories of almost giving up, and the strong will to forge on!

First 5K - Mom in Balance Pink Ribbon Run in Amsterdam Bos - 28th of August, 2011

If you look at the right hand side of this blog page, you'll see that I obviously have a thing with countdowns.

 As I write this blog, it says that it is 65 days to my second running anniversary.  Still more than two months to go, and I am very excited to celebrate it.

There have been a lot of changes: major and subtle ones; obvious changes and those not discernible to the eyes of those, who do not know me personally.

a before and after picture of 13 months of running

I like the person I have become after 22 months of running, and hope to still be better and stronger.

If in the process of recording all these changes, I can inspire myself to constantly and consistently continue this path I am now, I'm sure, I'll acquire peace I seek.

If I can inspire others, even one person to make themselves strong  -  mind, body and soul  - by pursuing a healthier lifestyle, I know I'll have fulfillment I yearn.

Drie Dorpenloop 2013 : Running 'Home'

Driedorpenloop

Finally, I was able to participate in the Drie Dorpenloop (literally Three Village Run) after missing it 2 years in a row! I've ran many parts of the Netherlands, went abroad to Germany and France, but  never managed to run our own village run. Well, that is a big check on my list of 'race, I would like to run'!

all race participants (7/12/21 km distance) run through the start twice (kilometer 2 of 7K race for me), that their supporters may get a second look! I like this idea!

big smile for P and his friend Kees, who we met spontaneously at the start and was there to support his friends as well

happy to greet them and feeling good even though I felt my legs were made of led!

Thanks to Pascal Maat, proprietor of Banden Maat I was able to run under "Team BandenMaat".  His company is one of the sponsors of this year's race.

We met via +Loopmaatjes @Twitter, during our preparation for our first Berlin Marathon. I did not realise until later, that we were practically neighbours, and that his business is located on the road that I pass with my bike almost everyday, on the way to bringing our girls to school.

Pascal shared a picture on Facebook of an article written about him and his running friend in a local newspaper, which I recognized while reading our own local newspaper.

an article from Triangle, October 2012 related Pascal's and his friend Alex's Berlin Marathon running goal for a good cause

Running world is very small indeed - specially, when you share your running passion in social media. :)

Liefste P, together with Littlest, joined me to meet up with Pascal, and the rest of "Team BandenMaat" at the Sporthal De Fuik.  There, we met his wife Wendy, who will be running the last 2 + km of the Luxembourg Marathon with Pascal (Pieter will be doing the same for me!).

Sporthal de Fuik

Littlest waiting for the 1K Kid's Run to commence

Below is a montage of images to capture the energy of the Driedorpenloop; I took them minutes before the Kid's Run begun and also, at the finish line with the first children, who succesfully ran their 1K.

I was pretty nervous because it is the first time that I ran a race in my "home ground".  Before the race, I was greeted everywhere by acquaintances  (mostly from the people we knew from the girl's school), and while running I faintly heard shouts, "Dat is de moeder van Littlest!" (That is the mommy of Littlest!).  Littlest being pretty popular in the school for being very social and engaging. She always come to everyone, and say, "Hi! I'm Littlest, what's your name?"

Now, baby steps for a short and sweet recap:

Driedorpenloop 2013 7K race course

The course was very familiar - I could've run it blindfolded! - because I've run it a lot during my first year of running, a definite advantage for someone, who stayed up way too late before a race,, and came to the race pretty much stressing unnecessarily.

I did worry,  that I might sink into a black hole of depression, if I did not go out and run this event.  This was a great motivation to not skip it, plus I did not want to disappoint Pieter, who is very proud of what I do, and my running friend Pascal, who graciously invited friends to be a part of this fun event.

If you are interested to see the course (for the 7/12/21 km) of Driedorpenloop in photo montages, I'll be dedicating a special blog series for this. Watch out!

The race pace was YAY! Average pace: 5:59 according to my Nike+ stats and 5:58 according to the official list of results! This is the first time I ever had that i.e. hold a 'fast pace'. I know, I know, nothing to rock the boat of more experienced and fast runners. But for me: weeeeeeeeee! :D

In June 2013 . . .(results of my 1st Driedorpenloop below, via Uitslagen.NL)

2013 - Average Pace: 10.05 km/hr 5:58 min/km

In August, 2011 . . .(results of my 1st race - first 5K! - ever, after 20 days or training)

2011 - Average Pace: 6.67 km/hr 8:59 min/km

The verdict - I'll run this event again next year, and it would be for the half-marathon, that I can enjoy the experience longer. This race is highly recommended to runners, who enjoy running in the country side, and a good event to set a PR. It was well organized, and much awaited event in the region.

Image courtesy of Kees Poppes

A good day. :)

Introducing: This Runner

prepping my running clothes today for tomorrow : De Driedorpenloop 2013

“People sometimes sneer at those who run every day, claiming they'll go to any length to live longer. But don't think that's the reason most people run. Most runners run not because they want to live longer, but because they want to live life to the fullest. If you're going to while away the years, it's far better to live them with clear goals and fully alive then in a fog, and I believe running helps you to do that. Exerting yourself to the fullest within your individual limits: that's the essence of running, and a metaphor for life — and for me, for writing as whole. I believe many runners would agree”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

One could think because I've ran 3 marathons, that I would no longer have apprehensions, doubts and fears about running.

Berlin and  Amsterdam Marathon medals

Berlin Marathon, September 2012

Amsterdam Marathon, October, 2012

Paris Marathon, April 2013

One could think because I had an education in communication, and once worked for a living, writing, that I would no longer lack words, or confidence to express how I feel.

My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands - my first public blog created in January, 2011 after blogging anonymously for 6 years - a creative corner, where I consistenly face the challenge of not suffering  once again from writer's block

One could think because of the pictures, stories, positive thoughts and point of views I share of my  life,  that I have it all, and have a "perfect and sheltered existence".

My first 5K - Mom in Balance Pink Ribbon Run - would not have been possible without the generous support of Mijn Liefste P

Our girls inspire and motivate me to be strong and stay strong.

I feel very lucky to live and run in Holland. (Kinderdijk June, 2012)

Self-empowering words! Inspiring not only for running.

Sole sisters I met online via the Amsterdam Running Junkies  group

You realise dreams - experience a marathon run (first relay marathon during the Hamburg Marathon) -  by sharing it with others!

One could think.  At least I did. 

Once upon a time, I fervently believed at one point when I have achieved all of the above: run marathons, acquire education in communication, have the family and the life I dreamed of, that my existence would be devoid of emotional pain born out  of paralyzing  doubts and fears.

Life as everyone sooner or later discover is not a race for a  perfect life or a perfect existence but a long walk home to self-acceptance. 

It took a while to realise that I truly can't cure my manic-depression by fulfilling all my goals and dreams.

Instead, in the pursuit of my goals and dreams,  I make sure I do not let this mental illness defeat me.

I run to maintain my sanity; I run to gain strength; I run to stay inspired to live life to the fullest; I run to love passionately and laugh freely.

Why do you run?