Slachtemarathon & The Marathon Motivation

Photo courtesy
of my friend
Marleen

“Sometimes you've got to go through hell to get to heaven.” 

― Dean Karnazes, Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner

Breaking 6* in Slachtemarathon

Yes, I plan to run the Slachtemarathon in it's next edition (2020).

Here it is. A goal. 

Sharing for all to know.  

A scary moment.

A liberating moment.

An invigorating moment.

*run a marathon under 6 hours; run below 6'00'' average pace during training

Smiling through a painful moment...
Shortly before this picture was taken,
I decided not to continue the 42 km goal but step out at 21 km.

I waited for the first time at the finish line of a shared race for my friend to finish.

Life Before Running

Most of you, who have been following me from the beginning, know I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2003.   

Before my diagnosis, I  silently went through cycles of depression.  Decades.  The shame of what I was going through again and again, paralysed and silenced me. 

It began when I was a child.  I did not know of course what it was, then. I simply thought I was a very sensitive person.  There was a point in my puberty, when I contemplated studying Psychology to help myself and not have to tell anyone, the emotional & mental torture I went through.

I did not tell my family and friends, how it was affecting the quality of my life because I did not want to be judged, nor be seen as weak and helpless.  

Everything changed, when I became a mother of two, living in a foreign country.  Being silent about my situation was no longer an option.  I was no longer responsible for myself alone.

Sharing my situation to the people I love, and seeking professional help were the first brave small steps to a long, and still ongoing journey.

Marathon = Motivation

Miraculously along this journey, I found  running.   

Specifically, I discovered how the discipline marathon training demand, was something very powerful, which helps me overcome the symptoms of my disorder.

My beloved P, always there for me.

After finishing Berlin Marathon for the second time, I promised myself, that  I will try harder to be even more transparent about my running, the training process and most importantly, why running is so important to me,  and my mental health.

My blog readers, my social media followers : family, friends -  running friends - very loyal and long time supporters have helped boost my confidence and strengthened my resolve to be more courageous in sharing.  Sharing about mental health issues.

Completing the Berlin Marathon project was a 4 year process.  In hindsight, it did not begin in the last week of  January, 2017 but it began right after I finished Paris Marathon 2013.  The year a "simple injury" not only affected me physically but a great deal of my mental capacity to run.

I did not give up. I did not let depression, mental blocks, anxiety attacks take away the joy and hope I discovered marathon running and all it compasses gave me.

Depression can negatively affect and change your life completely.  

It is up to you, if you will let  the mental disorder you are diagnosed with take over or you fight with everything you got to regain your life.

You Are Not Alone

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Life and personal crisis.

Even though I try to rein in racing thoughts, and overreaction to stressful situations with the help of running and meditation, I was still revisited by old demons: anxiety, self-doubt and panic attack.

I will lie if I tell you, I am able to brush them off easily now, after decades of trying to learn how to deal with them.

The process remains a challenge.  Dealing with one's mental health remains a continuous learning process.

A major difference in my process compared to 25 years ago: I no longer feel completely alone.

Correct that: I no longer allow the disorder to convince me I am alone.

I know, there are many, countless people I can turn to, who are there to help (professionally), who supports and believes in me (my friends and family),  who will be there for me no matter what (my mom, my stepfather, my brothers, my partner, and our kids).

The only thing I have to do is reach out.

Slachtemarathon 2020

Slachtemarathon 2016 became a symbol of hope and love for me.  I was afraid to participate but I did it anyway. I was afraid that even if I work hard, I would not be good enough.  I did not reach the ultimate goal of finishing the 42.195 km distance.  I made it half-way.  I did not finish my fourth full marathon in Summer of 2016.

What I was able to accomplish, when I went to the start after months of preparation, was face my fear(s) and live to conquer the next and the next.  What Slachtemarathon 2016 gave me was the fighting spirit to finish my fourth full marathon in Summer of 2017.

I am dedicating the project of Slachtemarathon 2020 to a wonderful generous friend, a runner I utterly respect and highly admire: this is for you, M.  I will conquer my mental blocks, and face a great personal challenge (committing to a long-term goal!)  with you in mind! :)

You believed in me. You made me believe in me. 

Thank you for believing in me.  Thank you for Slachtemarathon 2016 (I will never forget all your generous help & unwavering support!)!  Thank you for being a good friend.

28.10.17

Saturday

16:12

Run Happy & Free To Be #metoo

Disclaimer: This is not a running story.  It is a story, shedding more light, why I am grateful to have found running, why it gives me so much strength, and why the positive effect of running is a necessity to my life.

It is a sensitive blogpost, and could be triggering because of the subjects:

sexual abuse, child abuse. 

Please read at your own discretion. 

Marathon Rotterdam 2015
taken by a friend

“Sometimes it takes heart to write about a thing, doesn't it? To let that thing out of the room way in the back of your mind and put it up there on the screen.” 

― Stephen King, Gerald's Game

#metoo

As I write this, it has no title yet, and  I am not sure, if I will share it to be read publicly.

It is a story, I've shared many times over to a very select group of people.  I can count them with the fingers of my two hands.  No more.

Sharing is healing. I was told.  Many times. In my private circle. In different rooms of therapists.

How much of your story can you share to heal? How often can you share to heal? How long does it take until you heal? How can you heal without hurting others you love?

I began sharing this story in instalments. When I was 9-10 years old to a female cousin, who was 2 years older than I was. Not the entire story but 1 % of the story. It was a question burning in my mind.  Why would someone do that act? I asked.

Why?

It is a question that followed my life for 39 years.


Why?

Why did he do it? Why did it happen? Why did I not say anything after it did? Why did the memory of how it began stayed with me but not how I walked away in the end?  Why did I not say no before it began?

I was 6-7 years old, when someone I knew sexually abused me.

Reading, Fairytales & Stephen King

When I was little, I was very fascinated with words.  I looked at them with awe even before I could read them.

Books would be my friends before I lost my innocence, and reading, my saviour after my childhood was stolen from me.

I kept what happened to myself until I was 21 years old, already living abroad,  engaged after a whirlwind romance, and told the story to my fiancé before we got married.

Before it happened, I read about monsters in fairytales.  My childhood nightmares would be during the daytime.   It was in the morning, when it happened.  I was afraid but I could not go anywhere, nor tell anyone.  Would it happen, again?

Recently, I watched the film adaptation of Stephen King's book Gerald's Game, on Netflix. The book was the last book I bought (1992) before I left my home country in the Philippines (January, 1993). I never finished the book.

I cannot remember  the reasons why I did not finish it , nor even made it half-way, and I now wonder if reading it in it's entirety  would have made an impact on me.  

"He did not touch me." - Jessie Burlingame, Gerald's Game, on Netflix

I cried when I watched the painful scene reminding me of my own shame, my long kept secret.  The words the lead character uttered as she came out of her trance from recalling her suppressed memory liberated me. Cathartic words.

"He did not touch me."

Not the first time.  I was an instrument.  I was an object.

I swatted his hand with mine the second time another shameful act transpired.

I was 9 then. I knew more. I knew better. Books.  Sadly, I progressed too fast from fairytales to books, which I read in secret, in search for answers..

Both times he was drunk. 

25 years later, I would learn, he might have been under the influence of drugs, when it happened.

It took 15 years to share 50% of the story to the person, I thought I would grow old with.  Another 10 years and a year of therapy to finally tell it to the one person who I thought would have the answers.

Forgetting and Forgiving?

At the beginning of this story, I wrote a lot of  questions:

How much of your story can you share to heal? How often can you share to heal? How long does it take until you heal? How can you heal without hurting others you love?

Why did he do it? Why did it happen? Why did I not say anything after it did? Why did the memory of how it began stayed with me but not how I walked away in the end?  Why did I not say no before it began?

I'm 45 years old, and it took me almost my whole life time to understand what happened to me. What helped me to help myself was stories I read.  Fiction and non-fiction stories.  Personal stories of people, who've been there.

Why it happened to me is something I would never know. I would never get the answer from the person, who stole my childhood.

What set me free from asking that question (Why?!) again and again, was learning he was as tortured as I was.

I would never know if it evil in him, or they were only two isolated aberrations  influenced by drugs and alcohol, which clouded his mind, his judgement.

"Nothing else happened to me" beside those 2 incidents.  It is something that I kept repeating, when I had nightmares.  Nothing else with that person.  Two more incidents happened to me between the age 7-9. Neighbouring boys. A lot of boys; they were not even 2-3 years older than I was. An older male neighbour.  Again, I was not physically abused. My mind on the other hand? Traumatised.  I was exposed to things I should not have seen nor experienced in my age. I suffered in silence.

People perceived me as happy, confident and vivacious  on the outside but in my head I had issues with trust, a lot of bottled up anger, shame and self-hate.  It took years to exorcise all of them out of my system.

What I learned  in the years I tried to find answer to my Why? is : silence is not the answer.  You can let yourself be heard.  I kept silent, when I was young because I wanted to protect the people I love.

This pattern of protecting others broke me mentally. It was when I was completely broken that I finally uttered the words I needed to say out loud: it was not my fault, I was a child, I was afraid, I was alone.  I was in my 40's, when I finally said these words out loud.

You cannot forget something you have not even fully acknowledged.  You cannot fully forgive, unless you are fully liberated and in a happy place in life.

Free To Be Me

A picture taken by my daughter
during my run last Monday.

I was waiting to be an ultra-runner before I share this story.

I was waiting to be *someone*, who has accomplished something remarkable, so I can be heard.

I had this absurd notion, that I would be braver if I am *someone*, and sharing this story to others will help not only others but in the end heal me completely.

Now, I realise I was repeating a pattern.  I thought I was creating an armour but in reality my armours are cloaks to make me feel unseen and safe; I was not yet as free from the past as I thought I am.

I am enough.

I can let myself be seen.

I can let myself be heard.


Now.

I don't have to punish myself, anymore. No more hiding. No more secret. No more shame.


What happened to me did not stop me from living life.  I became a wife, a mother, a writer, a runner.

What happened to me did not stop me from pursuing my dreams.  I went to the university, studied Communication, learned skills that helped me understand people better and make others understand me. I  travelled the world to learn more, and  find answers to more of life's questions.

What happened to me did not stop me from writing stories to spread the message of love.

Yes, what happened to me affected the quality of my life, my health; my mental health. It also made me stronger. It has taught me after years and years of searching for peace to be more compassionate.  Specially to myself.

What happened to me should not happen to any child. Sadly, the reality is alarming. It happens.  There are monsters out there preying on the innocents but there are also monsters within the people we love.


My plea:  be aware, be vigilant, be kind.

Help those who struggle mentally. Alcohol and drug abuse are not only the struggle of one person with addiction, nor one family but the community, the society.

Yes, kindness and involvement can be very risky in the modern world but it's worth it.

A concerned, caring word can make a huge difference. Care.

Creat awareness; it should not be under-estimated. Have courage to share your story. The process can heal you, and help many others, too.

19.10.17

Thursday

14:40

20.10.17

Friday

08:50

P.S.  It is now almost 15 hours, since I published this story. I would like to share to readers out there, how I felt peace after putting into words what happened to me. I feel at peace with sharing my story, here. 

I would like to be honest and say, I don't know if I would have done anything differently, looking back.  If a reader would ask me, what should I do? I would say, seek help and don't suffer in silence. I think, it is the main message what I would like to pass on.

In this modern times, there are a lot of ways to seek help anonymously.  It is a beginning, a huge step to put in words something that is unspeakable. A small step can lead to positive changes.

Feel free to contact me, if you need assistance. I am not an expert but perhaps I can assist in finding help.

#13HappyHalves Update : 1 to go to 21!

From left to right:

Bredase Singelloop Half-Marathon  2016
Eindhoven Half-Marathon 2016
Amsterdam Half-Marathon 2016


“The more that you read, the more things you will know. 
The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.” 

― Dr. Seuss, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!

The Busy Brain is Not A Truly Productive Brain.

The collage above  is not the best version; it is a print screen version.

I wanted to share this version as a mental exercise for myself.  

Share it, step back and be happy with it.

The reason for this, is the same reason, as to why I got the second edition of (2016) #13HappyHalves done: 
I did not over-think  it (the project), I simply did it.

My mental exercises are almost never structured. They arise, when there is a need for it, and the more unexpected, unpredictable the exercise is, the more effective it will be.

I mentioned this strategy before in one of my blogpost (I will link it here, later). 


Yes, I trick my brain to get things done.

My Gain is Yours.

In this  Happy Feet NL's 180th blogpost, I would like to start the countdown towards my 200th blog -  also share here, and in the next 20 blogs (!!!)  knowledge and lessons,  I've gained and learned through running. A lot of running. :)

I think, even if you do not have mental health issues, like myself (I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, 14 years ago, after a decade of dealing silently with depression) you would be familiar with mental blocks, anxiety, self-doubt, and  the universal behaviour of procrastination!

There were many race events that I had to run four times before I let go of self-doubt; there were many training miles ran before I devised a ritual and learned coping mechanism for  my anxiety attacks, and when I am riddled with mental blocks. I think I have accumulated a lot of tips and will continue to add to the list of how not to procrastinate because I still deal with procrastination on running, even after 6 years!

My intention to share is not purely out of magnanimity ;)  - I have to be honest and say, I am getting very forgetful and need to write these "knowledge and lessons" for myself before they are completely forgotten!  I think many runners will agree, that lessons learned in running are very applicable to our daily lives.

Breda Singelloop 2017

picture courtesy of MeeùsFitClub 
taken by Wietse Visser Photography

Trick AND Treat!

Going back to the picture at the header of this post.  The simple act of choosing a photo to begin a blogpost  would have been a mental block. If I had let it!  If I gave in to the need to search for the original pictures, the activity alone would have eaten so much time and drained me mentally. I would have ended up with no blogpost at the end of the day, like what has happened often in the past.

I let go of my "perfectionism" with this simple mental exercise.  As soon as I committed to simply using the collage I felt relieved, my mind relax and I was able to literally move on. Learning is done through repetition.  I posted this print screen version often before here - #13HappyHalves : Keeping Dreams Alive, and  more than a couple of times on my Instagram account to remind myself of an accomplishment to get myself moving.

My urgent goal today was go out to run the first run  of my new training plan. Run before it got dark. What does my brain came up with to procrastinate? It was literally nagging me that I had to blog first about my plan about running my 21st half-marathon race.  A race that I dread but actually made me excited to train again! Well, as soon as I decided for which half-marathon race, I got motivated to create my new training plan and share it online so I will be accountable!

This is not the post, where I will explain why my brain always comes up with  thoughts, that distracts me  and why I feel compelled to listen to these thoughts, before I do what I actually need to do.

What this blog is all about:

is how I created a draft post of this post (to silence the nagging thoughts!), chatted with a friend online (made myself accountable - on one on one basis!) who was about to go out for a run herself (got and hopefully gave good vibes :D ), and how I was able to go out for a run (the clock showed me, if I hurry, I can still meet my middle daughter on the way!).  The first run towards my goal of running my 21st marathon before the year ends!

An "extra accountability trick",
posted a photo on my IG story, a few seconds after I warmed-up

My reward after a great first kilometer of a total of 5 km run was seeing my daughter, and her volunteering to bike along side me before I can start uttering the words, begging her to do so! hahaha

I'll write more about this run, tomorrow!

The Mystery 1 of The 21!

I am SUPER excited to run my 21st half-marathon. Super excited and super scared!

“The size of your dreams must always exceed your current capacity to achieve them. If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough.”

― Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, 

 This Child Will Be Great: Memoir of a Remarkable Life by Africa's First Woman President

The quote above will be something I will recite like a mantra in the next couple of months.

Putting my goal out there  - ran another half-marathon PR before the year ends! - is a scary thing for me.  I call it a "positive pressure".  Another way of tricking my brain to go out. Going out is necessary to maintain a strong mental health.

In this blog, I will make a list of all my 20 half-marathon races I've ran so far with the consecutive time, I needed to complete each.

It is one of my many baby steps towards the goal. It is also an activity that calms me.  I have something to come back to and focus on, when anxiety and self-doubt arise.

“It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not

to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is

against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit.”

― George Sheehan

The list will be a reminder, that I am running because of and for my mental health; I want to get better and stronger.  The list will also remind me, how far I have come, and how far I can still go, if I let go of fears.

1. Egmond Halve Marathon 2013 2:52:18
2. CPC Loop Den Haag 2013 2:30:57
3. Luxembourg Night Marathon 2013 2:43:04
4. Vechtloop Weesp 2013 2:35:51
5. Amsterdam Half-Marathon 2013 2:53:21
6. CPC Loop Den Haag 2014 2:46:11
7. Luxembourg Night Marathon 2014 2:44:41
8. CPC Loop Den Haag 2015 2:44:40
9. Bredase Singelloop 2015 2:35:01
10. Egmond Halve Marathon 2016 3:00:23
11. CPC Loop Den Haag 2016 2:43:22
12. Halve van der Haar 2016 2:40:20
13. Marathon Rotterdam (duo-relay) 2016 2:40:07
14. Enschede Marathon 2016 2:29:20
15. Leiden Marathon 2016 2:51:34
16. Slachtemarathon 2016 3:03:15
17. Bredase Singelloop 2016 2:41:52
18. Eindhoven Marathon 2016 2:39:03
19. Amsterdam Half-Marathon 2016 2:39:13
20. Bredase Singelloop 2017 2:28:38
21. ??? 2017 X:XX:XX

I'm still thinking of a hashtag to document this adventure. Any suggestions? 

What are you currently training for? What is on your running calendar this Autumn? Winter 2017-18?

17.10.17

Tuesday

13:59

SimpliF(L)Y Summer!

I love this photo of M.
A  beautiful Summer memory.

“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” ― Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums

Monday

Finally a blog update after two months of silence! :) How has your Summer been, so far?

Before I continue, my apologies for those, who visited my blog last Saturday, and did not see any published post.  I am not sure if somebody even :D noticed that  I wrote about my going back to "regular blogging" in my Instagram profile:

print screen of
@happyfeetnl
17.07.17

Plans

It was my intention to start posting blogs every Saturday.

Writing that intention in my Instagram profile was a way of making a commitment.  If or when somebody read it, did not really matter but the act of putting it "out there" is enough for me to prepare myself mentally and have something challenging to do, to look forward to.

Unfortunately, I felt unwell around Wednesday and by the start of the weekend, I was ill. So, Saturday evening I changed  Saturday to Monday as the day of my blog updates. My obsessive mind was soon put at ease!

Normally, you see, I would give myself a hard time about plans not getting accomplished as I envision them.  I would further on obsess mentally about the fact, that when I make plans, they go awry.

Yes, I have learned to be more flexible and less awful to myself!

Before I even became a runner, I've contemplated a lot of times on NEVER ever making any more plans in my life because plans going awry was more of a constant than plans going according to schedule and how I envision them.

It is against my nature, though; I have to make plans! I need the structure, the anticipation, the energy making plans gives me.

After receiving a Garmin watch, as a gift from a friend,
I made plans to use it as a tool to sit less and move more.
The goal was humble: 1000 steps a day.

The number of steps was not the main goal; it was the consistency of moving daily.

SimpliF(L)Y!

Why did I "ramble" on about plans of resuming blogging ;) instead of diving into the update of my marathon training?!

9 weeks and 5 days to go!!!

Well, it is because in the process of training for my second Berlin Marathon, I went through significant transformations: mentally and physically, which made me happier and life feel so much lighter.

Mondays, making plans, and simplifying are just some of the topics that I would like to get into before I share the statistics and details of my marathon training.

These topics are things I had difficult issues with my entire life, and now I am getting better at them.  Significantly. All because of my marathon training.

I won't get into all of these topics on this blog! It will be too much for a single post.

One major thing I can share right now about my Berlin 2017 marathon training: the process has thus far been very rewarding; it  continues to make me happy and I can't wait to run the marathon in September.

Quote

Let me direct your attention once again to the quote at the beginning of this blog. 

If you are a long time reader, you know by now that I almost always start my blogposts with a quote.

I have 5 reasons for this:

1. I love collecting quotes and my blogposts are my way of archiving them.

2. Quotes are my meditative mantras; searching for a  "quote for the day" puts me in a positive mindset, before my day has even begun.

3.  The words in the quote  I chose for particular blogposts gives me something to focus on, when I write. The message behind the quote often makes me feel more centred and confident in writing the message, I would like to convey.

4. I always hope, that reading the quote at the beginning of a blog post gives my blog readers a clue about what my blog is going to be about or gives them the emotions behind the message I am trying to convey.

source: Google Images

(Daily) Blogging & Simplifying

Simplifying life has always been my personal goal and more so, ever since my second daughter was born 15 years ago.  The weight of motherhood seemed daunting the second time around.  My way of coping with situations I feel will be challenging is to either write my feelings about them or find solutions by reading a book(s)!

the book I bought in Germany
on the 5th of July, 2002
a month before my second daughter was born
(28th of August)

In 2011, 2 years after we moved to the Netherlands, I created the blog "My Daily Mooosings in the Netherlands" .  I wanted to document our "new life".  I also wanted to hold myself accountable to my goal of simplifying life.  I did this by focusing on the positive things in our lives, and by writing those thoughts in blog form rather than in my journals.

Week 26

Mixing it up a bit: I began the week with an LDR-
LOVED it!
17.9 km run
10th of July

I  have yet to accomplish a 365 blogging project in my 11 years of blogging (my blogging life began September 2006, as an anonymous blogger). 

Blogging about my marathon training (even if I have most of those blogposts in draft mode - currently 14 posts unpublished -  from my marathon training 2017 !) and how I have been dealing with the setbacks, have given me back the zest for blogging, I somehow lost or lose periodically.

I am contemplating on embarking (yet again!) on a 365 blogging project. Making plans...

The difference this time is, it will be a daily celebration of recording life, versus the process being a personal challenge (i.e proving to myself, I can do it!).  We will see, how it goes. ;)

from my Instagram Story
10th of July, 2017

Training for a Marathon 

The adventure of running 42 kilometres, the preparation, helps me simplify my life, the life I share with my beloved family.

M and I were photographed by the official graduation photographer while taking a photo of J.

Eldest after her graduation from middle school!

It truly lifts my spirit high to look back at 26 weeks of work I have put into Berlin marathon training -including the ups and the downs marathon preparation brings.

I soar with the thought, that almost 6 years after I made the plans, that I will run the marathon  in Berlin 2012 in my 40's, I am still running 5 years, later. I am confident, that I will continue to be a runner for many more years to come. As long as I am physically able to.

Week 15
My second medal in 2017

26th of April

Week 17

8th of May

Week 17

9th of May

Week 12

My first race in 2017

2nd of April

 OH, the Stats!

If you can no longer wait ;) 😄for future blogposts to see some marathon training stats, here you go! :D

I am truly proud, 22 days to my 6th RUNniversary, to share the mileage I have ran.

It is incomplete because I was not able to keep the records of my running statistics from August 2011 - August 2012.  Nevertheless! This fact, tiny detail in the big scope of things, does not diminish my sense of accomplishment.

January - July 2017

I began training for my first 5K on the 8th of August 2011

It was not until August 2012, a month before I was to run Berlin Marathon that I won a Nikeplus Sportswatch.

This watch was the first ever gadget, that helped me record my running statistics.

August 2012 - July 2017

P.S. Keep On Keeping On

Thank you, if you made it this far. :) I hope you did.

I hope, if you have been a regular reader, that you will take "hope" with you, after reading this post.

Hope for things to  get better. Hope that you can accomplish a lot with small continuous, consistent steps.

There has been extreme highs and extreme lows in my life.  I can tell you now with confidence, life goes on and it gets (yes, it always eventually does!!!) better, the more we all exert a little bit more effort to try to get to the next day.

Writing, documenting life, running, they are my tools to cope & at the same time celebrate life. You can choose your own tool. We all have what it takes to overcome life's hurdles and challenges.

I wish you luck! Hopefully, I'll "see you"again, here. Soon!

My last Instagram Story for July, 2017!

I used it to announce my blogging come back.

CORRECTION on the day and dates!

It'll be every Monday: on the24th & 31st of July.

We'll see how it goes for August.

Bipolar Runner: A Face Behind A Name

“Some seek the comfort of their therapist's office, other head to the corner pub and dive into a pint, but I chose running as my therapy.” 

― Dean Karnazes, Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner

Today I had very thoughtful and meaningful conversations, which gives me courage to talk here about something that is important to me: mental health.

It was not a planned date*** but something that happened rather spontaneously.  

I needed help, and I could have skipped asking for help, and as always simply do things on my own - find a way.

But this year, I promised myself to reach out, even more than I started doing a year ago. Share "myself", "my life beyond the daily life" "my burden or what I perceive as such".

In other words let the load of (my) life lighten a bit by reaching out to others, who I love, I care for, admire and respect. "Let people be a part of the whole you!", I said to myself.

Even though I have discussed about mental health issues privately, and later on openly writing about it through (at the beginning) FB posts, and later on in my own public blogs (since I began writing anonymously 5 years before I started publishing public blogs), it remains a struggle to talk openly about it.

Somehow, I feel that since I've talked about it privately, and openly, there is a deadline, that I have to meet, that I would no longer talk about it OR when I do, that people will expect me to say, "It's gone! I am healed, and I am now living a life that is free from mental health issues and problems!"

Reality is, mental health issues are lifelong issues for many, some learn to live a life of quality inspite of it.  Others, well, sadly they give up after going through cycles and cycles of pain and shame.

My own "issues" have improved. Still, they remain ever present. I have learned to live better with them. I have now more wisdom to cope better. I have surrounded myself with people, who cares deeply about me, as I of them and they see beyond what the eyes cannot see.

I was diagnosed (in 2003) with bipolar disorder after yearsof repeated cycles of depression. (the cycles of depression began from 1994; although I begun feeling "strange", since I was 14).   Every time I share this to people, I know for a long time, they say the same thing, "I would not have known."

Having a name for what prevents you from having a stable life, does make a difference.

It gives you the opportunity to "reveal" parts of the struggle without having to tell your whole story.

You have a name, that gives you hope, that there would be cure for it, and eventually you will be free from it.

You have a name to share with others, who are going through the same. A name you can say, and you can recognize and nod understandingly, "Yes, I know your battles. You are not alone."

Between the diagnosis and the acceptance that you have something that you will perhaps have to deal with the rest of you life, are strings of broken relationships, disappointments, sadness, anger, frustration. Eventually, in time comes: self-discovery, self-acceptance and yes, LOTS of meaningful encounters, that matters & changes your life for the better.

Why do I share my story?

Well, it is for a random reader out there, who has no words, who feels she/he has to keep silent, has to keep it a secret that it takes her/him more effort than others to deal with life.

I write this for you. YOU are not alone. There is hope, there is healing and there is acceptance.

The only thing you have to do? Never give up.

(EDIT 24.03.15 : I read this article yesterday @ Tiny Buddha (What To Do When You're in Pain and Need Help),  and thought I would write a blog today about what I thought after reading this article.  Since I am not sure if I could, I thought I will edit the link to the article for now, so I won't forget about it. I thought it fitting to add it to this blog.)

(EDIT 24.0315:
A P.S. to this blog...
Spontaneous interaction*** - unfathomable but true, I almost forgot that I wrote this blog! It was while I deliberated what I will do with the link I edited above that it occurred to me I wrote a blog with the message about reaching out, when ones needs help.

It took me a minute to remember, who I had spent an obviously great  talk with because it lasted 3 hours, which is a shame, so I thought I will add a P.S. to this blog not only for the reader but for me as well.

Let me just add that the reason I often leave out the name of the people I meet is because I am not always confident of how they would feel about my blogs.  Even though often, I do asked in advance if I could mention their names, or even add their photos.

The lovely people I spent hours of inspiring talk are  mom and daughter originally from South Africa. I met the daughter 2 years ago because her child were in the same kindergarden class as our youngest.  They're both Dutch; the mom still reside there while the daughter moved here during her studies.

I have became friends with the daughter even though we rarely spend time together.  When we do the meetings are always heartfelt, and I consider her a lovely person.

She'll be climbing Alpe d'Huez for a good cause, in support of finding cure and treatment for cancer.

I hope this lends a bit more clarity to this blog post.)