BLANK SPACE: A Bipolar Runner, Writes Her Story

“Emptiness which is conceptually liable to be mistaken for sheer nothingness is in fact the reservoir of infinite possibilities.” 

― D.T. Suzuki

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A Dream 

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is it. It is happening.

A childhood dream I have cherished is turned to a concrete project: BLANK SPACE (for now, the working title of my book) : A Bipolar Runner, Writers Her Story.

I will be working on my dream to make it a reality, and you - yes, YOU!, my dear reader :) , YOU will be part of the process.

Ever since I started blogging anonymously on the net, imagining you "listening" to me in a mental conversation, my dear reader  has given me that energy I need to put my thoughts in words, and share it for everyone to read.


Words. Writing. They helped me achieved a lot of life goals.  I am alive in all sense of the word because I liberated myself from fear, anger, insecurities through writing.

When words were not enough, when words did not come, I started running to free my body of tension and anxiety.

Roads. Running.  They helped me achieve what I thought was impossible: love deeply and live life to the fullest.  Again.

The Title

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources” ― C.E.M. Joad

During my search to find out whether "Blank Space" is a title, which  has already been used as a book title, I found out: it is a title of a song, an online platform for architecture  & an anthology book of short stories from 100 writers.

On top of the search, the first thing that popped and revealed, that it is title of a song was Taylor Swift's image and her song on Youtube.  Honestly, I can't say if I am her fan, or a hater; I guess, I am ambivalent at this point.  Her lyrics were very catchy, and humorous, I have to say.

Two lines which I identify with were:

I could show you incredible things 
Magic, madness, heaven, sin

&
I am a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Somehow, Taylor Swift serendipitously lent me "a summary" with these specific 3 lines of her song.  These lines give hints to what you will find out about me,when I am finished writing my book for you to read.

Blank Space

“I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

This morning, I finally made the last step in my plans of having more control of my social media exposure by deactivating my first FB Blog Page for this blog (the "new & fresh" FB Blog page could be found here).  

The first step I made with my social media detox was on the 12th of December, last year.  After 2 and 1/2 years of being on Instagram, I deactivated my various accounts, which I used to connect with other runners & people, who have different fitness goals.

Deactivating my FB account was more difficult than I had imagined.  It was after all my second FB account. My first FB account was not deactivated; I simply deleted my entire FB list.  Frankly, I did not have the energy to do this, once again.

Even though I wrote several times about the subject of why and how I use Facebook (OR Twitter, Instagram etc),  I had no expectations people will read through those blatherings or truly comprehend my quirky behaviour on how I use social media.  I have let go of that expectation a long time ago.  In fact,  I write about what I do to make sense of who I am.  So, I can't expect others to understand me, when I am still trying to figure out everything, myself.

There are many reasons, why I created a second Facebook account 4 years after my first, and why I deactivated that said account after 4 years.   I won't get into those many reasons, now. What I can tell you, which perhaps will make more sense: it is my way of decluttering and detoxing my mind.

The act of mentally decluttering & detoxing fuels my creativity and re-energize my whole being.

I need to literally and metaphorically have a Blank Space.  In my use of FB, I guess it was a cycle of every 4 years.

Sharing is Caring

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.” ― Erma Bombeck

I can't assume what my family,  and friends think of everything I do.  It is a futile exercise.  Believe me, I wasted a lot of time doing this and I let it torture me.

What I learned, in order to avoid misunderstandings, and not ruin my relationships, I have to be honest.  I  tell them why I do the things I do, and ask them for kindness & compassion, even if they can't understand.

Everything I do is motivated by love.  Love for my family, my friends and many kind souls, who have shown me not to stop caring because caring is worthwhile and in the end very fulfilling, no matter what.  I love, and that is why I keep on going and pursuing a simple and good way to live life.

This is the reason, I created yet again a new personal Facebook account (without a Friend's List)  for the sole purpose of being able to create another FB Blog Page (to be an admin of an FB page, you have to have an FB personal account).  It  will serve as a space for sharing what I do to those who would like to stay in touch and (as I have been told) be a source of inspiration & motivation for them.

All I have been doing in the past decade online is searching inspiration and motivation to keep myself going.  I searched the stories of those, who fight the battle of having a bipolar disorder and still make the best out of their lives.  

Now, I am ready to share my own story in book form.

My Bipolar Mind

“If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?” 
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind

The reason I chose to be open and public with my process of writing a book is to hold myself accountable, each and every day.

This writing project is not simply a project to be planned, executed and have an end result.  The whole process will be the continuance of my long ongoing self-therapy.  I have began  this path since I left Germany; there, I was seeing a psychiatrist a year after I gave birth to my second daughter.  Finally, writing my book will also be something to positively focus on - a  form of coping mechanism, when my bipolar cycle becomes overwhelming.

Happy Harry! Our permanent house guest cat.
He loves making a nest of written and printed copy of my (and my daughters ) drafts.

I will be very grateful for all your support, and I thank you, now for the company on this road of introspection, retrospection and creation.

02.02.17 21:42 Thursday
Last Edit: 04.02.17 Saturday 
00:36

Finding "The Force" to Run

image from Google

As much as there are a LOT  of excuses one could think of (or one legitimately has!) to skip running/training or to finally begin with running, there is a much longer list of  how to motivate yourself to run, and keep yourself motivated.

Truly.

I won't list down the excuses I feel, I  "legitimately" have every day, nor the excuses that my left brain has nagged me (and keeps on nagging me!).

Excuses, which sadly successfully broke me down in the past until I gave in, resulting to more than a few painful experiences in my races and running.

This would be very counter-productive!

Nope. Not going to give my left brain further satisfaction, than it already has.

Instead, I will share, focus and highlight what keeps me motivated.

Below are my top 5 of how I keep myself motivated on days I feel very low on #LoveRunning positive energy.

I chose to share 5 because it equals the distance (5K) I ran in my first race.  A distance most aspiring would-be runners aim/train for, when they begin with running.

It can be considered a "relatively short" distance but when one is simply beginning (or returning to running after a break), the effort equals running a marathon in one's mind.

Perhaps, I will be sharing more sources of motivation every Friday. For now my top 5, mentioned in no special order. A baby step.

1. Recalling a great memory of a memorable run/race.

“Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it.”

― L.M. Montgomery, The Story Girl

Many runners experience even after years of running: a struggle to begin.  A feeling as if one is literally in pain (all in the mind though!) while preparing to go out for a run.

This run maybe a "simple run" after a required pause due to injury, or stress in personal life, or a vacation.  Even when prepping for a race, one has trained for, one can struggle to go to run the race.

image from Google

When one has don on one's training/race gear, and is one step out of one's home, a huge step has already been made.

As soon as you are on the move for 5-10 minutes (10 minutes max. Promise!), you will be filled with gladness that you conquered yourself, and broke through the worst barrier you are confronted with: your own voice in your head that seems to constantly say, "Not today!".

Each run you will do, will one day be an accumulation of memories (see No. 3) you can fall back on , when you struggle.

Keeping this scenario in mind should be enough to animate you to run to create (great & unforgettable!) running memories.

YES, today!
This is what I told the voice in my head last June.
You would not see it from the look on my face on this photo but I struggled to go to our village local run - Driedorpenloop 2013 for many reasons.
There were many more great memories from this run ; I'm glad that I did not stay at home.
I ran one of my fastest pace continuously on this day.

2. Rewarding self OR accepting an unexpected reward.

image from Google

This varies for every runner.

I have a long list of ideas for personal rewards for running achievements or for reaching simple running goals.

Today I will share what for me is the most obvious reward, a runner can give herself/himself: a pair of new running shoes!

After a succesful year of continuous running (August 2011 - August 2012 : my first RUNniversary!), I rewarded myself with a new pair of running shoes.

My Nike Lunar Glide, bought September 2012

A few months later (December, 2012), I got a DM (direct message) via my @PaperInEurope Twitter inbox  from @NikeRunning.  They wrote, that they have noticed my runs, and I will be receiving a reward!

As promised, just in time for Spring Running (March, 2013)! I received these beauties:

3. Recording running adventures on different social media channels.


My story on No.2 of this list (just one of many rewarding stories!) will probably show you, when you simply go about your running business, record it, share it  (on your blog, on Facebook, Twitter, instragram, etc),  you will not only have a clear picture of how you are progressing  but in the process receive a pleasant surprise!

Happy Feet in the Netherlands FB page

@HappyFeetNL

Surprise gifts are awesome. 

What is more awesome are the great connection with others, whom you can meet through the various channels of social media. 

These connections are priceless.  These people who share your passion or respect you for your passion, can help you keep motivated if you allow yourself to be open to the connection.


4.  Give as much motivation, if not more as one receive.

A philosopy I learned through life experience. An age old wisdom: giving is better than receiving!

It is not only through the running community, that you can give and receive motivation but in daily life.  This topic deserves a blog in itself because of the magnitude of how it has positively influenced my personal view of life, and lives of many others.

Basically, the more you give positive support (energy) to others, without expectations the more energetic you will feel.

Below are the running pages of social running groups, where I met very good and supportive running friends for life.

Loopmaatjes FB Page

Running Junkies FB Page

5. Follow the running adventures of fellow runners & athletes you respect and admire.

Blogged : In the Presence of an Olympianleft: moi middle: Churandy Martina right: Udjen Lewis

As with No. 4 I need another post to write extensively about how I keep myself motivated by following the running adventures of athletes I admire, and fellow runners I am friends with in real life. 

Or those magnificent (running & non-running souls), whom I've met online and communicate with via their blogs.

In brief: we identify with the struggles and celebrate with the success of those who share our passion.

Knowing we are not alone, that even those who have achieved (world wide)  success in their field (what their passionate above!) struggles and overcome obstacles,  can keep us motivated towards having a positive attitude.  If they can conquer and achieve, so could we!

Whoever you are, wherever you may be, I wish you a great weekend, and leave you with the words of Yoda: May the Force (literally!) be with you (on your weekend training)!