Thursday, February 2, 2017

BLANK SPACE: A Bipolar Runner, Writes Her Story

“Emptiness which is conceptually liable to be mistaken for sheer nothingness is in fact the reservoir of infinite possibilities.” 
created via

A Dream 

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is it. It is happening.

A childhood dream I have cherished is turned to a concrete project: BLANK SPACE (for now, the working title of my book) : A Bipolar Runner, Writers Her Story.

I will be working on my dream to make it a reality, and you - yes, YOU!, my dear reader :) , YOU will be part of the process.

Ever since I started blogging anonymously on the net, imagining you "listening" to me in a mental conversation, my dear reader  has given me that energy I need to put my thoughts in words, and share it for everyone to read.

Words. Writing. They helped me achieved a lot of life goals.  I am alive in all sense of the word because I liberated myself from fear, anger, insecurities through writing.

When words were not enough, when words did not come, I started running to free my body of tension and anxiety.

Roads. Running.  They helped me achieve what I thought was impossible: love deeply and live life to the fullest.  Again.

The Title

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources” ― C.E.M. Joad

During my search to find out whether "Blank Space" is a title, which  has already been used as a book title, I found out: it is a title of a song, an online platform for architecture  & an anthology book of short stories from 100 writers.

On top of the search, the first thing that popped and revealed, that it is title of a song was Taylor Swift's image and her song on Youtube.  Honestly, I can't say if I am her fan, or a hater; I guess, I am ambivalent at this point.  Her lyrics were very catchy, and humorous, I have to say.

Two lines which I identify with were:

I could show you incredible things 
Magic, madness, heaven, sin
I am a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Somehow, Taylor Swift serendipitously lent me "a summary" with these specific 3 lines of her song.  These lines give hints to what you will find out about me,when I am finished writing my book for you to read.

Blank Space

“I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises.” ― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love

This morning, I finally made the last step in my plans of having more control of my social media exposure by deactivating my first FB Blog Page for this blog (the "new & fresh" FB Blog page could be found here).  

The first step I made with my social media detox was on the 12th of December, last year.  After 2 and 1/2 years of being on Instagram, I deactivated my various accounts, which I used to connect with other runners & people, who have different fitness goals.

Deactivating my FB account was more difficult than I had imagined.  It was after all my second FB account. My first FB account was not deactivated; I simply deleted my entire FB list.  Frankly, I did not have the energy to do this, once again.

Even though I wrote several times about the subject of why and how I use Facebook (OR Twitter, Instagram etc),  I had no expectations people will read through those blatherings or truly comprehend my quirky behaviour on how I use social media.  I have let go of that expectation a long time ago.  In fact,  I write about what I do to make sense of who I am.  So, I can't expect others to understand me, when I am still trying to figure out everything, myself.

There are many reasons, why I created a second Facebook account 4 years after my first, and why I deactivated that said account after 4 years.   I won't get into those many reasons, now. What I can tell you, which perhaps will make more sense: it is my way of decluttering and detoxing my mind.

The act of mentally decluttering & detoxing fuels my creativity and re-energize my whole being.

I need to literally and metaphorically have a Blank Space.  In my use of FB, I guess it was a cycle of every 4 years.

Sharing is Caring

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.” ― Erma Bombeck

I can't assume what my family,  and friends think of everything I do.  It is a futile exercise.  Believe me, I wasted a lot of time doing this and I let it torture me.

What I learned, in order to avoid misunderstandings, and not ruin my relationships, I have to be honest.  I  tell them why I do the things I do, and ask them for kindness & compassion, even if they can't understand.

Everything I do is motivated by love.  Love for my family, my friends and many kind souls, who have shown me not to stop caring because caring is worthwhile and in the end very fulfilling, no matter what.  I love, and that is why I keep on going and pursuing a simple and good way to live life.

This is the reason, I created yet again a new personal Facebook account (without a Friend's List)  for the sole purpose of being able to create another FB Blog Page (to be an admin of an FB page, you have to have an FB personal account).  It  will serve as a space for sharing what I do to those who would like to stay in touch and (as I have been told) be a source of inspiration & motivation for them.

All I have been doing in the past decade online is searching inspiration and motivation to keep myself going.  I searched the stories of those, who fight the battle of having a bipolar disorder and still make the best out of their lives.  

Now, I am ready to share my own story in book form.

My Bipolar Mind

“If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?” 
― Kay Redfield JamisonAn Unquiet Mind

The reason I chose to be open and public with my process of writing a book is to hold myself accountable, each and every day.

This writing project is not simply a project to be planned, executed and have an end result.  The whole process will be the continuance of my long ongoing self-therapy.  I have began  this path since I left Germany; there, I was seeing a psychiatrist a year after I gave birth to my second daughter.  Finally, writing my book will also be something to positively focus on - a  form of coping mechanism, when my bipolar cycle becomes overwhelming.

Happy Harry! Our permanent house guest cat.
He loves making a nest of written and printed copy of my (and my daughters ) drafts.

I will be very grateful for all your support, and I thank you, now for the company on this road of introspection, retrospection and creation.

02.02.17 21:42 Thursday
Last Edit: 04.02.17 Saturday 


  1. Such an exciting project Joanna and I know that you can do it. Just like you always say, baby steps!

  2. Thank you for your vote of confidence and unwavering support, Jehan! XO


If I can run, so can you: big dreams are reached with baby steps!